Day 5:

A man came into our house today.

He was one of my nanay’s close friends. I saw him twice before. He helped my nanay when we were in the hospital. He carried me once. I thought he was my father at that time, but I soon realized that he’s not. Because I did not see the spark in his eyes when he saw me. If he was my father, he would’ve hug me, kiss me, tickle me and I would’ve felt his love. Just like what nanay always does.

This man brought some food. Nanay has not eaten anything yet since this morning. She’s been saving money for our new apartment because the lady told us we cannot live in this place anymore.

So how are you, the man asked nanay.

I’m fine. Stop asking.

Really? Because it seems like you’re not.

I said stop asking. Why are you even here?

I can see that nanay is getting mad already.

I bought food. I thought you guys left.

Well, we’re still here, nanay said sarcastically.

The man laughed.

What’s funny?

You know, you’re stupid.

Nanay is not stupid. Why would you say that?!

Say what you want to say then. You know nothing.

Here is what I know, you’re alone. You don’t have any money left. You have a son to feed and raise. No one wants to help. Even your family left you. The problem is, you’re stupid because you actually believed that he would settle with you guys. It has been 6 months already!

Because he doesn’t want to be with us.

Wait, are you talking about my father!? Nanay, why doesn’t he want to be with us?!

See. So what are you going to do now?

Raise my son.

But how are you going to do it?

I don’t know.

This time, nanay cried. Nanay was crying and I couldn’t do anything. She was holding me and I could feel her tears on my skin.

But nanay, is it true that tatay doesn’t want to be with us? Is that why he’s not here? Because he left us? Is that why you’re sad and alone? But why would he do that? Why would he abandon his own child? He loves us, right?

Day 4:

I like to watch and observe. People call me, the little keen observer. You see, when I was younger and couldn’t barely see lights, shapes and movement, nanay would always bring me outside. I like looking at people, even strangers. I smile a lot. I am not afraid of them because nanay told me that I shouldn’t be afraid of people I don’t know because they are the masses and part of our movement. But what is movement? There are a lot of things that I don’t understand yet. But nanay told me that I shouldn’t be in a hurry to grow up, that I should just enjoy the moment.

I like it when I’m outside because I can see faces, and colors especially bright colors. I like red. I squeal every time I see one. Nanay also likes red. She told me that red is the color of passion and desire, of our struggles. Nanay told me that one day, the sun will turn red.

But nanay, when will the sun turn red?

Day 3:

I could not count how many times it has been, maybe four of six. I’m not sure. All I know is I’m starting to become restless from all the medications. My body is heavy now.

We went home late last night.

We were sitting on the bus. Nanay was holding me tight in her arms as if it was the last time that she’ll be holding me. I looked at nanay and I began to cry because I couldn’t stand the pain anymore.

We are going through a lot  right now, I know. But please bear with me, love, she said. She smiled at me but it didn’t reach her eyes.

I look at my nanay now. We are both lying in the bed. She’s reading me a story again. I know nanay is tired. I always see her doing all kinds of things. She wakes up early in the morning to prepare my food, then during my naptime, she would do the laundry. And then after my bedtime, that’s the only time she can work.

I wish nanay has someone to help her do all these things, like taking care of me. I wish nanay wasn’t alone in this fight. I would be very happy if my tatay is here.

I remember last night when we were on the bus. I saw a baby just as my age. His tatay was holding him, while his mother played with him. They looked so happy.

I wonder where he is right now. Does he even know? Well I’m sure he’s out there somewhere. Maybe he’s working very far, right? Maybe that explains why I can’t feel him all these months.

Day 2:

Last night, I puked and there was blood again.

Today, we went to see the girl with the white coat again. But I hate going to this place. All they’ve been giving me are these huge needle and plastic tubes. It is very painful. And everytime we go here, nanay is always upset. The doctor says things about me that I don’t even understand.

I hope this time she’ll be nice to my nanay. I hope she would stop telling things that makes nanay sad.

Day 1:

Today, nanay told me a story about this pilot who met a little prince. It was very sad, in such a way that it makes me wonder if I will find a rose as mysterious as little prince’s.  Nanay told me that one day, if I ever find a rose that I like, I should take care of her, protect her and never leave her just like what nanay always does. But I don’t understand, why would I leave if I love her?

And just as I was about to sleep, nanay touched my heart and told me, one sees clearly only with the heart. I wonder what it means. Nanay is weird sometimes.

Beginning

I would like to believe I was born during the May 4th movement where students protested in the streets for sovereignty, where the birth of Communism began in China. But I came here 96 years later. Some of you might think, I’m Chinese. No, I’m not. I’m a Filipino. Although I am against the subject of nationalities.

I like to call my mother “nanay.” Because she told me that nanay reminds us more of our struggles, from the masses and within the masses. While “mommy” is too alienating. Alienating. Hmmnn… I wonder what that means.

It may seem like I am too young but these are the things that I would like to be someday.

My name is Andres and this is my story.